we broke up and he got another girl pregnant
And with that said, he should confirm the woman is indeed pregnant and get a paternity test when the child is born. You seem too whiny for most womens taste. And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. The pregnancy pulled you back from the brink. Seriously, cry me a river you ignorant #**>##!!! You mean, he should be able to decide whether or not hes emotionally distant and vacant from the life he had equal part in creating? This whole letter is a giant Friends reference. SweetsAndBeats female Thats precisely the incentive structure feminism (and the paternity laws that followed) have created. Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didnt want to immediately get back together. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. April 10, 2012, 10:28 am. You deserve more than you are getting but if you accept less you will get less! April 9, 2012, 6:54 pm. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. It takes two to make a baby. If he didnt want to wear condomwhateverIll even give him the benefit there. That line of reasoning is fine but condescending only for those who never in their entire lives have ever done anything that might have resulted in something unexpected (and unwanted) happening. It really doesnt help the LW at all and doesnt belong here but here we go. What the fuck ever. Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. Im guessing thats where most of us got the idea that he was trying to push it on her. Were looking at this situation through the eyes of his ex whos pissed off that he knocked up this other woman but seems pretty bound and determined to get back with him. For what its worth, Im a married guy and a father. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. If a woman is raped and aborts a child, there is nothing to support. Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. You have a guy who knew someone for like two seconds and jumped into bed with them. I havent, and even though I am 110% pro-choice, Im not sure if its something I could actually do. Like its a big shock that birth control can fail, that people can lie about using birth control, that women get to choose whether they want to keep their children and that he law requires men to financially support their children whether they want them or not. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. But the important thing for you to know, as the mother of a child who may not ever know their biological father, is that your child wont miss what they never had. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. In a perfect, totally fair world, both men and women would get stuck with pregnancy and rearing of children because they both equally engage in the sex that results in the pregnancy. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. All rights reserved. This desicion has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? Freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. Youre reading waaaayyyy too much into what I said. I totally understand. Its not JUST about your ex-boyfriend, LW. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. This man seems to be both irresponsible and immature so be glad you can move on and not be stuck with him. Thanks for the clarification. Thank you, Roxy84! Why you ask? Youre right Leroy- the really crazy, dramatic ones are the minority and I tend to ignore them as well. We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. Men get a say in abortions? reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): A You dont really get to have a say in this situation, but encourage your boyfriend to have a relationship with this child. Month later, Lady finds out shes preggers. You wouldnt need to administer it. In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. If youd like to share you e-mail, we could correspond more about this. Really, people. He has to fit the baby into their life, not the other way around. Its not anyones fault, theres no one to blame. I love your snark this morning!! April 9, 2012, 12:52 pm. reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A Be responsible for your own bodies and your own choices. Malarky. Knock it off. No, but both partners have to accept the fact that having sex means that pregnancy might occur. Youre wrong. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke landygirl. I vehemently disagree when it is not in that order. Hes furious with the woman for keeping the child. If you cant live with those outcomes, dont have sex with her. I dont think that this necessarily has to end you, but I would think long and hard about continuing to be involved with a 40 year old man who is unable to take responsibility for his actions. Because once the innocent kid is here, the fact that he/she was an accident does not mean he/she has less of a need for supportive, involved parents. Instead, the LW seems to validate and support his furor, demands of an abortion, etc. i am currently in an awful situation. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them.. The court considers the psychological effects on the child before ordering support. I think difference is ensuring that the child is cared for. ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. Thats why we never used condoms. I would also ask him to get an STD test because he had unprotected sex. It says there is no child at conception. She Left Me.PRANK WARS - BF VS GFWatch until. Im surprised that so many people here are assuming that just because a guy has sex and gets a girl pregnant, he undergoes an immediate 180* like a Sim changing their clothes and becomes a devoted, excited father-to-be. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. 2. the guy is not worth you in a relationship. All I could think about when I read this letter was what an awful situation that child is going to be exposed to, through no fault of his/her own. Youre right, it could be unenforceable. iseeshiny LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to decide what to do after one of them gets pregnant. Dont choose to roll those dice if you cant cope with all of the possible outcomes. But everyday it breaks my heart knowing I'm not going to be the top priority. Wrong. It has nothing to do with the man. He CHOSE to do that he took that risk because it feels better on his penis without a condom. female Oh, really? What happens when *she* gets pregnant and he still doesnt want to be a father? I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. honeybeenicki Have you noticed how people sometimes own up to having unprotected sex, but its always when they didnt get pregnant? He said he still loves me and that he didnt love her, and it was a mistake. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. I take it, then, that your position is that a man should never ever have sex unless hes either (a) sterile, or (b) willing to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, but that a woman has those choices but also can opt for an abortion and so can opt out of the obligation of a child. For all you know she could be 35 and realize that this may be her one chance to have a baby. In order to build trust, the person must be trustworthy. Kansas City, Missouri. Im guessing that shes in the UK or Ireland, or perhaps New England. Women this means the pill or condom or whatever. Scan this QR code to download the app now. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. 1. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. Im not disagreeing with your assessment at all, however, I have to question you on thisdo you really believe that if it were possible to two men or two women to get pregnant that they never would and things like this would never happen just because they were heterosexual? Susie can do what she wants but he wants nothing to do with it. She is certain it is his. My ex and I broke up for the first time a year ago. But it is a result of a legal system that prioritizes the needs of children over fairness to the parents. Also, it implies that using a condom prevents pregnancy. She may have been sweet and loving throughout the relationship, but when she stopped being her best self or caring about what you think, she became angry, vicious, or revengeful. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? But if YOU really are so fucked up and so pathetic that you want to build a life with a man who for intents are purposes wants to simply abandon his own child have at it. Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. Its crazy how much abject hatred there is out there. But you have to take a deep breath and be an adult about it, seriously. His? Remember that episode when Rachel told Ross she was pregnant and he freaked out because they used condoms? He loves me and doesnt care about the mother but wants to be there for the child, but said he doesnt have to and wil wait for the DNA test. lets_be_honest I have no idea why you two took a break if you cant live without each other, but honestly, neither one of you is mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Instead, you pick on women and insinuate that were ~unreasonable or some shit. 2. God knows the mother of this child will have no choice but to do that. He chose to not wear a condom and now he has to be responsible for his choice. I think that it does, as most have pointed out, take two people to get pregnant. We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. You are in a relationship where you are the one responsible for everything. LADIES he could stand her. Because guess what? Now after checking his texts, why did you confront the other women? (yes, I know, lifes unfair). Why does his/her future emotional health count on the presence of a father who wants nothing to do with parenting? Ever since U.S. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. I feel in a way he is essentially giving the child up for adoptionto the mother who wants the child. Two. I know you may not have that much faith in women based on your comments (here and on previous posts) but just look at what the women on this page have written. April 12, 2012, 2:41 am. And before we launch into a discussion of how terrible abortion is, in this case (the LW) were talking about one that is very early on. iseeshiny SpaceySteph Because of my family not being to fond of him we broke it off and i was depressed for along time. What a joke. Ok.you were on a breakhe met some women club and after 2 minutes decided to have sex with her (which people do Im not against a 1 night stand).but he doesnt throw a condom on because shes on the pill (so hes not protected from STDs and he has no verification shes actually using the pill responsibly)..and if that level of irresponsibility isnt enough, he ahem finishes the job inside of her! He has an obligation to any future sex partner to keep himself clean. April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. Wow, thank you so much Lili. Since most of the people here seem to be pretty strong advocates of womens right to choose, to be treated equally, and so on and I agree with those stances it seems backwards, odd, and a double standard to say that men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be and that they should have no say whatsoever in that. Blood is not everything. I just dont see why thats ok but its not ok for the guy to essentially do the same thing but then have to pay. Guy Friday Like most men are running around handing out free money to them without them having to fight for it. Not everyone believes that. My boyfriend broke up with me when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. In the state I live in, you can leave a baby (or even child I think) in a church or hospital if you do not want the child and you will not get in any trouble for it. female Oh thank you thank you thank you! Reading your letter, you sound really immature and not ready to be kn a relationship with a man that has a child. Men will never have to make that choice. Let me fill you in on reality: when a guy sleeps with a woman he believes to be on the pill, he does so with the not-unreasonable expectation that she doesnt want to become pregnant. Every woman who has given a child up for adoption is, in your mind, an immature asshole. female LW- your boyfriend is scum. But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. Regardless of whether or not he wants to stay with this women he impregnanted, do NOT stay with him yourself! And the fact is, biology dictates that women have control once a pregnancy has occurred- not just the legal system. lets_be_honest Having a man use that as his birth control would be as idiotic as a women using dont worry, Ill just pull out as hers. No real comment from me today. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. But in some ways, youre making my point, Francine. I think the overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are good, caring, nurturing parents. I know, right? You have no idea what youre talking about, with regard to child support. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. Already Tired of the Baby Malarky. Abandoning a child does. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. No reason to pass that one along to future generations, Rachelgrace53 Sorry. Step away slowly. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. landygirl Ive been silent on this website a while, and by and large tend to agree with most of what is said, but I could not sit quiet as people suggested to a) force this man into parenthood, and b) suggest that this woman is incapable of being a single mother. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. How about equal right for, you know, everyone? Oh, me too! Trying to force someone to get an abortion? Doesnt have to be romantically involved with this woman, but he wants nothing to do with the child that he helped to create, or the woman he cant stand. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. Unwanted or not, they are innocent in this whole mess that your boyfriend and his whatever-she-is created. reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): A This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. April 10, 2012, 11:41 am. bittergaymark You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. Against it? hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood. He hadnt. P.S. A forty-year-old man knows exactly how women get pregnant and how to avoid that if he absolutely doesnt want a baby. A lottery win implies she is loaded and set for life. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. April 10, 2012, 10:56 am, hes angry with the way this has worked out. Im not advocating for it, just describing whats been proposed elsewhere. If she did not use protection with him, or ask him to get tested when they got back together, that is no fault of his, imo. Solved. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. iseeshiny And I do commend him for providing financial support. You should be furious with him and dump his ass! There is an obvious reason why we are all pretty damn sure he didnt use a condom For starters, itd have been the big leading point of the letter He so doesnt know how this happened! Go on about it all you want though. Theres many reasons besides wanting a mans money to not get an abortion. Or you think that landygirl does that? I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. Shes also calling him a troll because he likes to show up only for these types of letters when he can tell DW commentators that we are all obviously wrong and from the she-women man hating club. If there was a child at conception, abortion would be murder. Her judgment is irrelevant, but it isnt immoral. Definitely do a paternity test to be sure but if he follows through with not being a part of the childs life, hes a scumbag. A month after we broke up, she started a new guy. There isnt even a child on the scene yet (!) Were also stuck with either A) experiencing an abortion or B) going through a pregnancy. April 9, 2012, 10:04 pm. What kind of person he got into a new relationship with. I disagreed with a lot of your comments but I still enjoyed them. April 9, 2012, 12:53 pm, He might very well be an immature asshole. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. I think it is unfair that the man cant have sex without the possibility of becoming a parent, but the woman can.. having sex with someone you dont know that well. He didnt marry you. One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response. That is what passes for reality in your world? Any advice for me?Signed, AnonymousDear Sis,News Flash: This man is not and has never been your man. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . All my friends want me to leave him, saying it's not worth it anymore. A Happy Life Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. Neither one of THEM created a child. Thats fd. theQuietOne If the childs mother fully intends to love and support and care for her child, and explain to him/her that their biological fathers lack of desire to be a dad or deficits has nothing to do with him/her that child will grow up no worse for wear. Women dont have to choose between the two both are within their purview. Yes, the woman in question should have been just as involved in making sure she didnt get pregnant as the man. Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Every relationship ends in death or a breakup, so this is not unusual. Not your body, not your choice. So this guy sleeps with the first gal that catches his attention, but he only has eyes for you? Maam, hes made a choice. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. by Kara Straight May 11, 2018. April 9, 2012, 3:07 pm. That is not a legally binding document and is unenforceable. Im sorry, but sex creates children. And they seem to have a lot of time on their hands. We do know that the guy in question didnt use a condom (as you yourself pinted out elsewhere, LW would have def. Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. pretty sure he is actually an extreme pro-lifer who is playing into his rhetoric backwards. I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. Theyre both opposed to abortion but theyre being safe, right? Then they want to fight for the loser like hes some sort of prize! Call me crazy, but I dont see any partys reaction to this crazy. I have a friend in somewhat related situation. Unbelievable Youre never going to persuade crazy, but other people reading can maybe read something interesting without getting too turned off by the insanity of one side. So while you were on a break he had unprotected sex with just her or other people too? We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. sorry, brain). This is my first time posting on here but I really need some advice. I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. reader, iz07a+, writes (11 March 2010): A Because one of the known outcomes is happening to him and hes pissed at someone else. April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallop. You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. honeybeenicki So, if she opted for an abortion and he was furious with her for not keeping the baby, would he be scum? And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? Barely nine months after we said our final goodbye, he was the father of a baby boy. April 9, 2012, 8:26 pm. And yet men still keep having sex with us. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. Will he react the same? So, hey, lets jump on him and discuss how vile he is because he didnt take measures to avoid it (and lets do so without any actual proof that he didnt wear a condom, that she wasnt on the pill, and so on). You are too funny John. Chuck Pelto But again the adoption makes that all moot. Scenario 2. There is a chance it isnt his. If he doesnt own up to his part in creating a child, sorry, I think hes a jerk. Does that change the situation as all? I mean for fuck sake? They are calling him a scum for not taking any responsibility for happened, and they are calling the LW names for acting like her BF is a saint, and had nothing to do with making this baby. And I am, I must admit. What a door mat you are! Here he chose not to wrap it up now he made a child. I'm devastated and broken. I mean, for starters, if I even had one unplanned baby while on the pill, Id probably not continue to use it. What you would do in her situation is irrelevant. No matter what happens, if you open a bottle of coca-cola and it explodes, taking off your arm in the process, Coke pays you damages for it. 60+ years on this ball-o-dirt and witnessing the madness going on around this place, as well as being an honest-to-God Christian. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? Please. But everything youve written here about the pregnancy and the well being of the child has made me look at things with fresh eyes. You want to be a slave to a prick like him? The problem is not the other woman, the problem is your man and how you are responding to everything. We have no guarantee that the mother will be as good a single parent as those mentioned in this discussion. I am curious what RR will have to say after some interesting points being made after her comments. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. The 16 & Pregnant cast member slash Teen Mom 2 firebrand is many things, but she has never been lucky in love. It takes two to tango my dear your boyfriend is as much to blame as this woman. Chuck Pelto Its interesting how none of these comments address that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would have nothing to do with his own child. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. If a man has sex with a woman he should be prepared for the possibility that it could result in child support payments. John Rohan SpaceySteph But I think that both people have equal responsibility and equal rights in expressing a view. I dont see why this issue is any different. However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. If you dont like someone (as a fellow human being), dont have sex with them. But I agree no one should tell anyone what they can and cant do with their own bodies. The thought of a child waiting for him at home makes going away so much easier. John Rohan The woman accepts the ejaculate what she does with it is now her business, and her business alone. John Rohan When he chose to bust a nut in a stranger he took on that risk. He made his position very clear very early on. Thanks. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. Risk reduction is not relevant, because the risk never goes to 0%. If your ex moved on before you did, you might feel as if they won or wonder why you didn't find someone else . Mileage 450. But its her body Well, department of labor clearly shows that statistically a man in a low-paying job is far more likely to die in a workplace accident over the course of 18 years than a woman over a normal pregnancy. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. Going through the comments here, right on cue, I already record no less than five times that the boyfriend is called scum or scumbag. But the LW could be using selective words to paint him in a certain light, such as replacing upset with furious. So me making it a laid-back scenario is no more absurd than making it a scenario where he a shitty human. So for someone I love and care deeply about, its enjoyable. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? April 9, 2012, 12:17 pm. And there are many things that can happen that make it even less effective, like forgetting a pill, taking antibiotics, etc. April 10, 2012, 6:34 pm. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. Unfortunately, your boyfriend may have gotten another woman pregnant. He said he felt forced to be with someone he doesnt love and, blah blah blah. My mother taught me better than that. SweetsAndBeats And if your original point was that gay men are smart enough to use condoms but that heterosexual couples seem too dumb to do so, that 1M number implies youre wrong. A condoms like 50 cents. God, Im so glad someone else thought of that word when reading this letter because Ive used that word exactly three times in my life as an insult, and yet I couldnt quit thinking it. Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair.